1. Arms extend fully around body when giving hugs.

Rating: 10/10  Notes: Somehow this feature still functions effectively when children are adults, and regardless of their expanded height or girth.

2. Visual acuity and sightlines

Rating: 10/10  Notes: Most subjects seemed to have 360-degree vision (“eyes in the back of their heads”), could spot micro stains on shirts from 12 yards away, and had the ability to discern the difference between lying eyes and eyes that were telling the truth.

3. Heart responds to physical, emotional needs of children.

Rating 10/10  Notes: Tests have found that mother’s heart was fully scalable as it expanded easily to accommodate needs of higher number of children or children with exceptional physical and emotional needs.

4. Ability to process information and carry out tasks efficiently.

Rating: 10/10  Notes: Stress tests such as combining one wailing infant with a second child who needed his lunch packed for school resulted in high efficiency ratings. The ability to assist in math homework calculations while sorting laundry or talking to a client on the phone also impressed our analysts.

5. Recovery and reset capability.

Rating 9/10  Notes: Our observers noted an extremely high resiliency under long durations and task overload. However, many mothers lacked the ability to conduct effective self-care and general self-maintenance. We recommend that children enable mothers to have at least one annual 24-hour period where mothers can reboot or at least undergo defragmentation at a salon or spa.

6. Fully integrates with second and third generation systems.

Rating: 10/10  Notes: Over-the-shoulder tests found that mothers functioned perfectly with grandchildren and even great-grandchildren, although analysts noted that purchases of chocolates, toys and savings bonds seemed to be markedly increased from that of the first generation. We recommend that those with grandchildren and great-grandchildren be titled “Mother 2.0.”

OVERALL RATING: 100%

Comments: Happy Mother’s Day to my Mum and to mothers everywhere!

(We welcome additional data from other usability tests conducted on mothers, too!)